Perhaps there are some living breathing humans on this planet who visit this space from time to time. Popping in to see photos of the farm or read some rambling bit of my life. Thank you. And: I know I’ve been absent from this space. Like, nearly all summer absent. I have this daydream of you checking my blog for new posts only to find none. I imagine you imagining me buried beneath the bounty of the earth, too busy to type. Or feverishly scheming some new project. Or on the road again playing summer festivals and outdoor shows. Or harvesting so many baskets of herbs and seeds and produce that my back gave out. Some of these things are true, but mostly I’ve just quarantined myself away from the internet.
When I go on the internet I see lots of happy people. People smiling, effortlessly standing on the porch of some perfectly curated cabin. People smiling with their dogs. People smiling with their cats. People smiling with their babies. Lots and lots of smiling. I do it too -smile. But when you’re feeling particularly sad, when you’ve had a terrible summer, it’s hard to see the smiling faces. It’s hard to post beautiful photos of soap, or pictures of my plants, or my gardens, or baskets of herbs… because it doesn’t really seem to matter. It’s all just stuff. When you’re sad it’s hard to promote. It’s hard to make. It’s hard to harvest. It’s hard to create. So I’ve just disappeared for awhile. Because the reality is… life is hard. Things happen that you don’t expect. And you think, maybe, just maybe, because the last five years have been really hard… have befallen you with loss after loss, trial after trial, that maybe you’re immune from any more pain. But life’s not like jury duty. I can’t believe I’m saying I wish anything was like jury duty, but right now, that’s what I’m saying. I served on a jury five years ago and they haven’t bothered me since. I wish life was more like that.
I find it hard to open up here sometimes because it feels like a two way mirror. If I pour my heart out I don’t know who’s listening -if anyone is, or if lots of people are. I am my business, and it’s hard to know where the line is between personal and farm, shop and self. For me those lines are hazy, blurry, sometimes non-existent. It’s hard to know what to say about my personal life even if it has an effect on how I run my business. It’s hard to know what not to say because it might be too personal even if it is the reason I haven’t promoted the farm for awhile. It’s especially hard when you’re still in a state of grief that makes you feel as though the ground has fallen out from underneath you and everything you once were certain about becomes shaky and uncertain. So I’m being vague right now, self-protective. I’m still healing. Being gentle with myself. And I have to remember that that’s ok.
I can feel myself reawakening slowly. That’s why I’m here. I wanted you to know that I know I’ve been quiet. Right now I’m feeling it out again. Harvesting all the seeds, just not talking about it. Making lots of soap, just not posting pictures of it. Readying the farm for the winter, just doing it silently. Playing shows and making music, just not hyping it. I’ll be back with words soon I’m sure, but I just came to say hi.